


NSFW DO NOT ARCHIVE

by skinsuit



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Anal Sex, Comedy, Crack Fic, Do Not Archive, Humor, M/M, NSFW DO NOT ARCHIVE, Oral Sex, Set somewhere in I dunnno season 3, jonmartin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:09:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23505148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skinsuit/pseuds/skinsuit
Summary: Jon and Martin accidentally record themselves having sex. Somehow the tape ends up on the breakroom table in the archives it gets listened too.  So this is audio of Jon and Martin shagging ft. commentary from Tim, Melanie and Daisy!
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims
Comments: 12
Kudos: 115





	NSFW DO NOT ARCHIVE

[ _ The tape was in the break room, it was clearly labeled  _ **_‘_ ** **_NSFW DO NOT ARCHIVE.’_ **

**_“_ ** _ So what do you think this is?” Tim asked. _

_  
_ _ “I dunno,” Said Basira. “If it’s not for the archive why is it here?” _

_ “So we gonna listen to it?” Daisy asked. _

_  
_ _ “We are,” said Melanie. “Maybe it’s got some dirt on Elias.” _

_ “Well, I don’t care what it has on it, I was gonna listen to it anyways.” Tim said. _

_ Daisy came back in with a tape player and set on the table. They popped the tape in and pressed play. _ ]

  
  


There were wet smacking noises and the rustle of fabric.

_ [“What the fuck?” Basira said.] _

“Should I? —“ Jon started.

“Only if you —“ Martin finished.

“…Yes, I yes I do.” Jon said.

_ [“ Oh, so that’s where they went after the pub last night!” Tim said gleefully. _

_ “We shouldn’t be listening to this,” Basira chided. _

_ “We are listening to this,” Daisy replied. _

_ “Yeah I could do with a laugh,” Melanie chuckled ] _

  
  


A door opening and closing. More wet smacking noises a slight pained sounding moan from Jon.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes, I’m fine... why wouldn’t I be?”

“You just…”

_ [“oh my god! Jon is loud as fuck.” Daisy said. _

_ “I really think we shouldn’t keep listening.” Basira said. “This is private.” _

_ “No, I need this.” Tim replied. ] _

  
  


“Oh! it feels good keep going—“

More wet smacking noises, more groans, more moans.

“You want to go to the bedroom?”

“Errmm yes, yes very much so.”

  
  


_ [“They are finally gonna seal the deal,” Melanie laughed. _

_ “It’s going to be awkward,” Tim said. “How much do you bet one of them falls off the bed?” _

_ “ Five quid,” Daisy said. _

_ “Deal,” Tim said.  _

_ “I really should get back to my book, “ Basira said. ] _

  
  


Footsteps and the sound of a light switch.

“It’s not much,”

“Doesn’t matter…”

Wet smacking noises the sounds of mattress springs and the rustle of clothing. Martin giggles.

“C’mon Jon take off your jacket.”

“Oh! right.”

_ [ “Who the hell wears a jacket while shagging?” Daisy asked. _

_ “Jon apparently,” Tim said. _

_ “He would,” Melanie nodded. ] _

  
  


It sounds more muffled now, and fabric falls to the floor.

“..And your shirt.”

“Are you sure, I’m -I’m not, err are you sure? You want to see?”

“Yes, I don’t care, I like your body.”

“Right.”

Fabric rustling.

Happy sighing from Martin. “That’s better.”

_ [“Better than what?” Tim asked sarcastically _

_ Melanie laughed. ]  _

More wet smacking and moaning and gurgling.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes! Just keep,—keep doing that.”

“You were gurgling.”

“Oh, ermm…”

[ _ “Wait he gurgles? “ Daisy said. _

_ “Apparently they are happy gurgles,” Tim snickered. _

_ “That’s his new nickname: Happy gurgles” Melanie says. ] _

  
  
  


Soft noises skin against skin, a low rising yowl.

“Are you, sure you’re alright?”

“Yes it just feels so oh, you feel so — keep going—-“

A wet pop and a yelp.

[“ _ That’s the third time Martin has asked that,” Melanie chuckled. _

_ “Considering the noises Jon makes I’d be worried too,” Daisy said. ] _

“Mmmmmph-mmmop ruer mmmmh mmph.”

“Ohhh ohhh yesss please….ohhhhhhhhhhhhh”

Another yowl, moans groans creaking bed springs…….and then Jon’s loud sharp whimper.

“Ammmmmph phhhmmmm rur almmm?”

“Yes! Now,” Jon giggled. “Don’t talk with your mouthful…”

_ [“Oh, come on! He can’t be big enough to fill a mouth,” Melanie said ] _

More giggling, more gurgling…. More wet slick noises.

“Uhhhhph! Ohhhh ohhhhhh….where did you learn …..ahhh-hahh— ahhhh that?”

A liquid pop.

“Kevin Bradley year eleven.” Martin said.

“Why’d you…?” Jon began.

“You made me, archivist powers.” Martin sighed.

[“ _ Well we now have to thank a Kevin Bradley for Martin’s oral sex skills,” Tim said. “A round of applause for Kevin Bradley!” _

_ Melanie and Daisy hooted and clapped.] _

“Oh well ermm I’d better not do that again… do you want to keep?”

“Yes! Of course! Erm More of the same?”

“Yes! I mean no! I mean I want to.. to…..”

“OH! Yes, well…”

The sound of drawers opening and foil crinkling. The slurp of a thick liquid being squeezed out.

Some messy wet noise.

“AHHHH!!!!!”

“Are you alright?”

_ [“I didn’t men could voices could go that high after puberty,” Daisy mused _

_ “And that’s the FIFTH time Martin has asked if Jon is ‘alright’ I’m starting a drinking game.” Tim exclaimed. _

_ “With what?” Melanie asked. _

_ “With the vodka I’ve been pretending is water from my themos,” Tim Said. ] _

“Yes it’s just cold, really, really cold ahh!”

“Fine, you want this?”

“Yes, more than anything….”

“Okay just try and relax a bit.”

Wet slick noises, a wet pop.

“AH! HA-HA-AH!”

“Are you—?”

[ _ Tim poured shots out into office coffee mugs. Everyone down it. _ ]

“Yes it’s just surprising—“”

“Please Jon, relax….I don’t want to hurt you…”

Rustling noises, heavy distinct breathing.

“Yes, right… relaxing….”

More breathing. “…I relaxed again.”

“Right…”

A wet slick pop, a soft gasp, a moan, Jon’s low rumbling almost purr.

Another wet pop.

“OH!” Then breathier. “Ohhhhhhhh…” it trailed off into gurgling.

_ [“Happy gurgles is back at it,” Melanie laughed. _

_ “Sounds like someone’s discovered his prostate,” Tim said. _

_ “Thanks I really didn’t need that image in my head,” Daisy said. _

_ “Well now it’s there,” Tim said.] _

  
  


“Are you sure you are totally ready?”

“Yes, put it in!”

Rustling of fabric, the creak of the bed springs.

“Are you sure?”

“YES! Fuck me already!” Jon hissed then yelped. “Aah-haa-haaa—aaaah.”

_ [“Tsk language Jon,” Tim said.] _

“Are you alright?”

_ [They took a sip from their coffee mugs.]  _

“Keep…. going.”

“Oh! Are you sure you’re alright?”

_ [They took another sip.] _

“I need you to keep going…”

The soft wet noises and mattress creeks in a steady rhythm.

“Ehhh-ehhh-ahha-ahha OHHH -hehhhhehhhhh.”

Gurgling and the increasing wet noises and the mattress.

“You feel so good!”

_ “[I highly doubt that Martin, this is Jon we’re talking about,” Melanie said. _

_ “Maybe he hasn’t better,” Daisy shrugged. _

_ “Entirely possible.” Tim remarked ] _

“Uhhhh-hhhh hhhhhhnnn ah-hah…!”

Gurgling, the wet smacking rhythmically getting faster, moans, groans…

“AHHHHHH HAH-AAAH OOGHHHHH AHHH!… why’d you stop?”

“Are you sure you’re alright?”

[ _ “Oh Martin we’re all gonna be pissed if you keep it up!” Daisy shouted. As they all took another sip. ] _

  
  


Deep angry growl and: “I’M FINE! You aren’t hurting me, it’s just well… it’s a lot to feel.”

_ [“Wait….is Jon a… virgin?” Daisy asked. _

_ “Probably,” Said Melanie. _

_ “I mean would you fuck him?” Tim asked. _

_ “Ewww No,” Melanie said ] _

  
  


“Right, you want me too?”

“Please? I’ll shut up, if you’d like.”

“No, No I like the encouragement….”

_ [“Martin apparently gets off on weird and creepy noises,” Tim said. _

_ Melanie laughed. ]  _

Back to the wet smacking the mattress singing, and Jon’s weird yelps and gurgles.

“JON! OH JON!”

“Fuckfuckfuck…. There just UHHHHHnnnnn there!”

The wet smacking noises, the sex noises slowed down for few minutes it was heavy breathing of course the mattress’s springs.

“Ohhhhh how ohhhhh there, Martin there keep…. Yess!”

_ [“Looks like Jon is really enjoying that prostate of his,” Tim commented _

_ “I DO NOT NEED THAT IMAGE AGAIN!” Daisy shouted. ] _

Heavy breathing, and the sounds getting faster and faster gurgling, yowling...cursing…

  
  


“Nkkkk nahhha ohh oh ohhh ohhhh! AH-HAH-UHNNN….”

Heavy breathing, fabric rustling .

“GURRR URRR URRR!”

_ [“What the hell was that?” Melanie asked. _

_ “Our boss.” said Tim. ] _

A pause.

“Are you—?“

[ _ They all chugged the vodka in their mugs at this point.] _

“You stopped! I- I’m so close….! I’m fine, please please keep…..”

“Right, yes.” A heavy intake of breath.

  
The mounting rhythm of the wet smacking sounds, the mattress springs singing, the bed creaking faster and faster.

“Uhhhh-huuhhhhh nnnnnnn——nnnnemm gurrrgg ahahahahaha- HAH OH MARTIN …. FUCK YOU….AAHHHHHHHHHH!”

_ [“We just heard Jon cum,” Melanie laughed. _

_ “Yeah don’t remind me,” Daisy sighed.  _

_ “He sure is a swear-y git,” Tim said ] _

“JON I-I- ohhhhhh ahhhhh….”

_ [“And now we heard Martin cum,” Daisy said. _

_ “I think he was faking it,” Tm said.  _

_ “”I don’t think so, he just blew his wad in HIS archivist,” Melani said. _

_ “I thought I heard a condom wrapper?” Tim said.  _

_ “You know what I mean!” Melanie said. ] _

Then nothing but heavy breathing then wet sounds of lips touching lips a minute later.

“Did we?”

“Yes we did. Did you ermmm enjoy yourself?”

“Erm yes, yes I did. I never knew what all the fuss was about until…wait…. What’s the red light?” Fabric rustling. “It’s been on the whole time?!”

“…oh fuck.”

Then the tape cuts off.

_ [“ That…. was disturbing.” Tim said. _

_ “Yes,” Daisy nodded. _

_ “Did you plug your ears the WHOLE time?” Melanie asked, looking at Basira. _

_ “I’m trying not to ease drop on my co-worker’s sex lives if you don’t mind,” Basira said looking deeply in her book _

_ The door to the break room opened and Elias Bouchard walked in. He looked at the tape player popped it open and said. “I thought this was in my office, I’d hate for it to fall in the wrong hands.” He looked pointedly at all of them, he took the tape and walked out. _

_ “Do you think..?” asked Melanie _

_ “Yes I do, the bastard would do that.” Tim said. _

_ That was when Martin and Jon walked into the breakroom with a practiced air of casualness, as if they didn’t just spend the night together. _

_ Daisy looked at Martin and asked: “So how big is he?” _

_ Jon and Martin flushed scarlet. Jon started stammering. _

_ “I don’t know… what you are talking about,” Martin lied. ] _

  
  



End file.
